Pain and Purpose

I've been going through a rough patch lately. I went from feeling really well to having a good deal of pain and weakness. Sometimes it's hard not to give in to doubt and despair. God keeps reminding me of His love and presence as He always has. For example, He spoke something to my mom that was the exact thing I had been praying about. For those of you who don't know, I am dealing with metastatic cancer which spread to my spine. I feel I've had amazingly little pain for how extensive the damage to my vertebrae was and I'm so thankful to God for that. I am fighting the cancer naturally as I feel God led me to in the beginning. This rough patch has me thinking and praying about many things. I feel like the cancer can be a picture of my spiritual life. When I'm not feeling well, I can be very disciplined as far as food and other ways that I need to take care of my body. When the storm passes I tend to let my guard down. I feel like it is the same in my relationship with God. When times are hard it's easy to spend a great deal of time seeking Him and spending time in worship. When all is well, there is a tendency to let the relationship slide to some degree. It's sometimes hard to believe how faithful He is when I am so fickle. Some of the pain that I've been having has made me think of the pain that Jesus suffered at the hands of those who tortured and crucified Him. It has made me so much more sorrowful for being casual about sin in my life after all that He suffered to free me from it. In my Christian life I have spent far too much time focused on myself and my happiness which caused me to sometimes be angry and bitter. God always convicted me and I would turn from it but I usually wallowed in it first. Then there's still the tendency to waste time. I don't want to do that anymore. Sometimes it's easy to justify when I don't feel well, but there are plenty of things one can accomplish while sitting. I'm reminded of a story that Corrie ten Boom told in her book, Tramp for the Lord. Corrie tells of a woman in Russia who was so crippled by MS that she could really only control one finger on her right hand. In spite of this, she would spend her days and long into the night typing Russian translations of Christian books for others to read. When Corrie visited her she wondered why God hadn't healed her. Sensing this, the woman's husband said to Corrie, "God has a purpose in her sickness. Every other Christian in the city is being watched by secret police. But because she has been sick so long, no one ever looks in on her. They leave us alone and she is the only person in all the city who can type quietly, undetected by the police." He also said she spent much time praying for those whose writing she translated. What an amazing testimony of someone who could have felt sorry for herself but instead used what little she had for God's glory. Some verses that are encouraging me right now: Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." And my son, Tanner, keeps reminding me of Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Romans chapter 8 reminds me that I need to be focused on God and not on my illness. John Piper does a reading of it on YouTube. Check it out, you'll be blessed. I've also been reading all of Psalm 27 repeatedly. I want my desire to be like the Psalmist's. Verse 4 says, "One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek:that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple." I don't want that to be my attitude only when I have a problem, but always. As Romans 8 calls us to, may we live by the Spirit and not by the flesh.