Releasing Control

Lying here contemplating. Over the past year I have been involved in a small group. Our focus was mostly on the book Soul Care by Rob Reimer. The book begins by examining where we derive our identity. As Christians, we should derive it from what God says of us. We are His dearly loved children. Those He loved so much that He sent His sinless Son to die for us. But we have a tendency to forget and think that our worth either comes by pleasing people or performance or control. I was surprised when I asked God where I was deriving my identity and the immediate response was control. God revealed to me an incident from my childhood from which it stemmed that I had no idea still affected me. Anyway, fast forward to when my pain started in October. I started trying to figure out if the problem was food or supplements or some combination. I had just written my post on being still but I was clamoring for answers and trying to control what was happening to my body. I would say things like,"I know God wants me to be still, but what does that mean? Stop taking my supplements? Eating different food? Clamor clamor!" Meanwhile, pain began to become weakness, then numbness until I ended up in my hospital bed. God has taught me so much in this bed. He has taught me to really pray. Early on many of the prayers were for myself to be released and healed but He has so expanded my focus. Of course I pray for my loved ones as always, but He has expanded my focus to persecuted Christians, human trafficking, poverty in the world and I am praying like crazy for a school in Haiti. I've learned that I don't have to carefully control my emotions with those who love me which had kept me from wanting visitors. Even now I am struggling a bit with this tendency, feeling like I need to closely control my diet, etc. I am still on a cancer fighting natural protocol and yes, diet plays a big role, however, my faith focus must be on God not on what I can do. I believe I needed this enforced stillness to really learn to relinquish control. I'm not there yet but my hope is to one day be in the place where all that I desire is what He wants for me. I want my heart to be broken for what breaks His and to pour out my life in meeting the needs He will allow me to meet.Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”